Poetry
An Accident in the Evening (2001) - by Phil Brown
Video Night for Chuck Norris
he has laid waste
to battalions of baddies.
now it's Saturday night
and he's at it again
i slobber over my pizza
in awe
he's going to send those shitheads
to hell and back:
make them wish
they'd never been born
but, actually,
he believes in non-violence
so, first he must meditate
for a few minutes
he is hugely respectful
of eastern ways.
and practices a hotchpotch
of pseudo oriental mysticism
to perfection
the tea ceremony scene proves that
then there's the tai chi at sunrise
which was quite beautiful
after all
one has to get oneself together
before one beats the crap
out of hordes of motherless swine
whose human rights
ceased to exist
the moment he laid eyes on them
the flashbacks to his early years
show how he suffered:
how his family was murdered
by ninjas working for a major drug baron
and how, as an orphan,
he was taken into care
by an ancient and quite inscrutable oriental master
who taught him an obscure strand of Buddhism
which emphasises breaking the neck of one's enemies –
in a just and loving way
when he thinks of the old man
tears come to his eyes
this often happens just before
he pounds the bejesus out of someone
in this film the blurb claims
that he will not only protect
the president of the United States
but, also, destroy a filthy Colombian cocaine cartel
to boot
and i am satisfied that in the process
he will also render my brains cells
well into the alpha range so that
the combined effect of his virtuous violence
and the carbohydrate mess
called pepperoni in front of me
will induce a sweet and dreamless sleep
from which I will awaken refreshed enough
to maybe kick some butt myself
if I'm inclined.
by Phil Brown
